9.21.2008

Just the Shards

So I was wrong.

Our dreams - our goals - they do not always come true. And it doesn't seem right to say, and it doesn't seem right to hear. But people can - and people will - crush us. They can hurt our souls, they can make us cry. And sometimes it's better to acknowledge, than to hide, the facts. Sometimes it's better to open up the bottle, even if you have crash it against the wall & watch while the glass shards fly, than to keep it all inside. I have to say, the hardest part about our dreams is trying to distinguish between whether they can become reality or if they really are something we need to give up on. But I always like to say, before you give up, remember why you held on.

When I was around seven, I took ballet. I loved it. I would practice with my friends, I would twirl around the house, I would make my little sister dance with me: it was what I would do forever. And somehow I knew that with all my heart. But suddenly, my parents made me quit because of schoolwork.

When I was ten, I was playing on soccer teams. I loved it, running around with the ball at my feet - at my command - and maneuvering quickly around my opponents. I still have my awards and trophies to prove it. But I had to quit again to focus on studies.

Throughout this, I was ice skating every once & a while (I started about when I was five). And I started getting really good. I could jump, spin, and complete the arabesque to perfection. People told me I could go places. I put my heart into it - it was my life. But, about ten years later, my parents wouldn't drive me to the rink any more. That did break me.

And what do you do, when the people who are supposed to love you the most, don't believe in your dreams - don't let you follow them? What do you do? I realize that they wanted my sister (they made her quit stuff also) and me to focus on our studies. I know that they thought they were doing what's best. I know that. But also I know that if they could see just an ounce of how much they hurt me, they might have done something different. But how do you tell someone more than what you've already said? And ever since I've always noticed that the first thing a gold medalist says, after winning, is that they owe it to their family.

So yeah, it's not the biggest issue. I wasn't starving, no one was trying to kill me, I didn't have a fatal disease. But the big problems always start small, no? Anyways, you know I didn't go to the Olympics - you have to have start young & stick with it. It's out of reach. Dream gone. But dreams can go - can be ruined. Yet, sometimes we forget that we can dreams new dreams. If we can't do something one way, we can do it another way. Just because someone crushes one goal, doesn't mean we can't just think up another - because we can. We can have new dreams, we can keep going.

And you know what? I forgive them, because you have to let go to hold on again. Because somehow, it makes me stronger. We can lose dreams, but we never ever lose the ability to dream new ones. Just believe in yourself, even if it seems like you're alone. Because people will love you for it. Because you owe it to yourself.

(would love to read your comment)

17 comments:

Glass Mannequin said...

Medals tarnish, ribbons fade,
But three things are eternal.
People you share your life with,
The bonds you form with them.
The way you live your life,
Terrible or beyond reproach.
And the things you learn,
Experience, education, and love.

You're such a great example to me.

Glass

--Emilyyy-- said...

Wow. Great post. I'm taking those words into my heart and remembering them forever. ((What a cheesy sentence)) The piont I'm trying to make is that, that was a fantastic post, really inspirational. I'm gunna shut up now.

Happy Blogging
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

♥Katie♥ said...

Wow.. Thats some intense stuff.
I am forever grateful for my parents allowing me to exceed at all my sports and hobbies.

I used to horseriding but then I had to give up because of the way it was costing, my parents were really sad they couldn't pay my way, because I did love it, and also because I was one of the best youth horse riders in the country.

Now I do karate whic is much cheaper.. YAY! and I am one of the best in the country again.. next year I'm hopeing to go to Japan with it!!

And then theres my art, but this comment is to long already..

I'd also like to say, I firmly disagree with "Glass" saying that medals tarnish and ribbions fade.. First things first, trophies don't, and medals pretty much stay the same!

Plus, you'll always know.. that YOU won that title, and YOU were the best..

Celia the Cynic said...

Why thank you! She has your name too. I named her after a species of lilly. I thought it was pretty. It was my dream too. I worked my ass off for it and now it's finally happened. Keep working and maybe it'll happen for you too. :)

~Celia (and Lilly)

Amy said...

What a great post!

I'm so very grateful to my parents for working so hard to put me through ballet training, sometimes getting second jobs, and putting off spending on new computers, etc., even though they need it.

I did feel really bummed when I knew I had to let go of my piano lessons for dance though, even though dance is what I'm really going for career wise, and I'm more than gracious for the opportunity my family has given me to persue this dream, but I have to remember that I can still practice and learn what I can on my own, and that new dreams do come, in many different forms and at many different times.

Anyway, that was a lovely post and while I can't sympathize I do empathize, and am sorry that you weren't able to follow those dreams, but as you said, new ones allways arrive, and I'm more than sure that your parents were doing what they thought best for you.

Love your blog more and more every post <3

-Amy

Red Eyes said...

your "parents made you quit because of schoolwork"

Good to forgive but I wish there were a simpler way to explain what I'm about to.

In my opinion I still think that those people who you refer to who are expected to love you - they meant well. There is nothing as good as great education and I'll come back to this in a second.

Do you know, that during the course of your studies you can still hang on to those dreams. I mean, you can be a member of any number of clubs - where you can keep practising whatever it is you believe in tae kwan doe, ballet, music etc. You name it. Most secondary schools and university have the lot.

Now, back to what I was trying to say, I don't know if you've ever heard of radio head, an English band: most of the members graduated from oxford university. Also, have you ever heard of sting? He also has a degree and became a secondary school teacher before following his calling, which all along he had been hanging on to.

Perhaps what I'm trying to say is this. I dont think those who love you can ask you to drop a goal/dream as long as it does not interfere with your academic stuff, which in my view is paramount. I have noticed a big difference between stars who hold as opposed to those without university degrees.

In summary, I think they (those people you refer) love you so much and dont want you to suffer if anything went wrong. At the end of the day, at least you are much better off with a degree if all else fails, you just never can tell!

But one thing I would like to take with me is what you said in your post "We can lose dreams, but we never ever lose the ability to dream new ones." Thanks so much for this. So inspiring.

anne said...

right on mari-p! i feel like we're coming from the same place. and now that you can, you have to give yourself permission to follow your dreams too. and to dream them too, however you like. what is your new dream? i think your task now is to come up with some amazing new dreams, or versions of old (ie, vintage and remodeled, ms. pre-black belt) to pursue.

Jill said...

wonderfully written and I guess what one could call tragically beautiful. I hope you accomplish your next goal :)

Thirsty Girl said...

Great thoughts! Maybe you could join an adult soccer league now? I did that and really enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping at my blog.

This Vegan Rants said...

Wow, I love your writing. Great job! I really can feel the depth of emotion coming through. Sorry if that sounds cheesy~! Thanks for stopping by and keep it up!!

♥sar-uh♥ said...

thanks for the comment and by the way i love your blog to... its so creative :)

Alyssa. said...

I never really looked at shattered dreams that way. I looked at it as not being good enough and deciding to quit, not having someone tell you to quit.
I usually give up if I can't get it.
Your writing is amazing and it made me think.
My parents usually make me do stuff outside of school, saying that it'll look good on college applications.
You're inspiring, honestly.

``Alyssa

Angie said...

Thank you :)
It's always nice to know that there's someone out there who feels the same way I do.

Glass Mannequin said...

Beautiful butterfly, look at all the people you've inspired?

My previous comment wasn't meant to take away from anyone's accomplishments. I have a wall in my room hung with medals and lined with trophies. But those trophies aren't what matter. It's the people I met, the things I learned, and the level of integrity that I held myself to while I accomplished the things I was rewarded for.

Perhaps this adaptation fits better.

When the medals lose their luster
And the ribbons lose allure
Shining memories remain forever
Still a picture of your endeavor

A reminder of the people
Who helped you touch the skies,
A memoire of the things you learned,
The stitches in your life.

But perhaps the most important,
But given least regard,
Integrity strength and honor that,
Make you forget the words "too hard"

How's that miss Katie?

Butterfly, you're amazing.

~Bronte said...

wow that helps a lot reading that
i just moved from idaho to colorado
and lost everything i knew
and 'all my dreams'
but thats helps
:)
to think about starting all new
for the good

milai said...

wow. great post. poignant. something that i can very well relate to.

when i was a child, i had a lot of extra curricular activities at school. i excelled in them all but later, my parents made me quit to focus on my studies. i heeded their advice. what can i say? i was trying to be a good daughter.

it was in my high school years that i realized that this is my life, not theirs so i have every right to live it as i want it lived. that's when the model daughter became the rebel with a (good) cause.

in college, mom wanted me to take up nursing. i did not want to. she thought i'd follow her but for the first time, i said no. i told her that if she loves me and wants me to be happy, then she better let me do what i want.

i love my parents. but this is my life. no one, nothing can deter me from going after what i want (so long as i do not step on anybody's shoes of course).

now i answer only to myself. and my parents has learned to accept that i am now an adult with her own life. they have learned to respect my decisions. and i couldn't be any happier.

i wish you the best. ;)

Hanna said...

I get where you're comming from, in a different way. My mum has always pushed us in sports.
But, I told her that I wanted to go to film school. She immediatly said 'No!' when I asked why not, she replied by sayint that it isn't a real job; which is a complete lie. The film industry is huge, but I know that's it's ridiculously difficult to get in, and get a break. She's probably just trying to protect me, but still. I told her that by the time I get to film school, I'll be an adult and able to do whatever I want. She said 'Fine, but I won't support you.' and the conversation ended.