Numb to Numbness

If we cry enough - if we’re hurt enough - we become numb to the pain, right? We’ll become numb enough not to feel, because we’ve already been through the indescribable things. For if we’ve already been burned by fire, how could we feel again? If we’ve already drowned, how can we drown again? If we're already frozen, how can we be frozen once more? If we’ve fallen, we just get used to picking ourselves back up. The things that happen today prepare us for tomorrow.

That’s what I used to think.

Sure it’s a good attitude – maybe it even makes sense. But it’s not true. Because no matter how much I’ve cried, no matter how much I'm hurt, the pain doesn’t lessen, it just adds up. We can’t become numb enough to block out the hurt, because to do so, we have to block out the love too. To banish the feeling that eat us up, we have to kill all feeling.

Because it’s the people we love who hurt us most deeply, we usually don’t care so much about others - people we don’t love – and what they say & do to us. When we give our hearts & love to our friends, our family, we give them the power to hurt us, but we trust them not to. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always that work that way.

Some people think crying is weakness but when something hurts, and it means the world to us, sometimes it’s better to let it out. And if we really think about it, tears usually aren’t stupid – they’re beautiful because they mean we care deeply about something. They mean we’re strong enough to go for something great, at the risk of being hurt.


Just a Prompt

There’s no question about it, SAT essays are hard – in 25 minutes you have to think and argue your point completely. I had a practice SAT essay a couple days ago, and the prompt was, “What motivates people to change?” What makes a poor city boy dream of becoming president? What stirs someone to walk through a past of hate, and become someone who has a heart of gold? What inspires someone, who's dreams have been broken, to keep dreaming? What rouses us from within to become the best we can, no matter the disappointments?

It's in seeing how we live, and deciding that we can live better. No one can ever make us change - they can beg us to change, pay us to change – but in the end, it’s our decision. It’s our decision to look at our life, and decide it’s not good enough for us. It’s our decision to rise past what people have said and done to us, and strive for perfection.

And change, it’s often hard & cruel, but it’s worth it. It’s a choice to be or not to be: do you want to be a fighter? Or someone who just watches?

And to change, we have to know what we want. So what do you want? No – really – if you could do anything you wanted, what would it be? Because you can do it. If you’re that person who wants to be president, you can. If you want to walk past hate, you can. If you want to follow a dream, you can. It might not work out the way you think, people might say it’s impossible, but you can try & give it your all. Because really, that’s how a president becomes a president, or how a person follows a dream, that’s how someone can walk past hate, and go for love.

However, I believe the main reason of change is death. Because if you think about it, death is what cuts our life short, and the reality makes us want to have purpose – there needs to be a reason why we’re living, why our life’s worth living. Because what will be left when you’ve left? What do you want to be left? A picture? Or a book? A memory? Perhaps a legend?

Do something great – all you have to do is want to.


The Reason Why

Defiant: (adj. di-fahy-uhnt) Boldy resisting authority or an opposing force; challenging

If we want something bad enough, we go for it, right? We have to at least try to chase after what we want, even if its course is like a butterfly; up, down; right, left – like it wants to purposefully tease us. Either that or we just give up. . . Ah, so let me start at the beginning:

I was homeschooled, and then my parents put me into community college (a couple years earlier than usual). My parents promised me if I went to community college I wouldn’t have to take the SAT or GED because I would be considered a transfer student. It sounded like a good deal to me; an easy way out – so good it almost couldn’t be true.

However, a few months later, my sister started questioning, “Are you sure? On the internet it’s pretty clear that all transfers need the SAT & GED.” But that changed when I visited my transfer advisor last month, and he happily informed me, “Nope, you don’t need the SAT or GED.” I was so relieved – it’s that sensation you get when it feels like bricks have been lifted off your wings so you can finally fly.

I hurriedly started to fill out applications, but slowly started to get this sinking feeling – my sister was right – the colleges did clearly state that I needed the tests. But, the transfer advisor was the authority - he had even stated he would call the schools personally to talk with them about the SAT & GED. However, just to make sure of everything, I saw him again this month, and pointed out what the applications stated. And he was like, “What? For all transfer students?” He quickly informed me that I needed to take the SAT & GED - this month.

So suddenly I’m in crash course for the SAT three hours every day plus a couple hours of homework. Now I’m caught applying for the GED, hoping I can squeeze by in time. Other things have changed too: every time I want to get out, my dad suggests that I’m not spending my time well, if I’m not studying. With the GED my parents don’t seem to understand, “Well can’t you just take that in April? Why now? Or, “We don’t want to drive you to that location for the test. Can you call up the GED office and ask them these questions?” I love my parents, but I hate that realization of feeling like I’m doing this all alone.

I know I’m aiming high – I’m shooting for Yale, I’m going for Vanderbilt and Pomona among others. I know it’s going to be hard too, trying to take the SAT & GED while applying & writing essays for colleges and taking six classes at my community college at the same time. But I’m not stupid – I have an extremely high GPA & on the Dean’s List, I’m awarded most valuable in Student Activities Committee, I’m in the Phi Theta Kappa & Sigma Alpha Pi, and soon to be Vice President of Sigma Kappa Delta. But is that enough?

Sometimes I feel so alone, pushing myself to do something that no one’s helping me with. I’ve realized I am expected to do the impossible, and I’m going to try. It’s one of those things where you either give up completely, or chase after with your whole being. I can do it. I can make it. Normally, people do not have to do this completely on their own, but I’ll rise to the occasion. And I keep telling myself that before I give up, I have to remember why I’ve held on for so long.

Tenacious: (adj. tuh-ney-shuhs) Persistent or stubborn; holding fast; holding together

{I’m sorry I haven’t been able to comment recently on your blog, but now you have the reason why. & please comment on my blog if you’d like – it means the world to me. Thanks guys! :) }


What's the Truth?

Would you die for your friends?

Of course you would, what kind of question is that? Our friends are the reason we survive sometimes. They're the people who are constantly there for us, the people with the offered shoulder to cry on, the people we share secret laughs with. Who would not die for their friends?

Valor; it’s beautiful. It’s how people can die for their friends. It’s how that daring prince kills the dragon for his princess, or how David hits the giant, Goliath, with a tiny stone. It’s how Edward defends Bella, or how Frodo strives to destroy the ring. We watch them, and we know those tales are right – that’s how it’s just supposed to be.

So we admit we would die for our friends, that we would stand up against injustice. Some might go further and state they wouldn’t have an abortion no matter the circumstance, or others might pronounce that they would offer up the world for that special person. They are so magnificent, our words & intentions.

But stop. What if they are just words and intentions?

No, I mean really. Would you die for your friends? Really? Would you? There’s a blazing fire in a building of apartments – a building where a couple of your best friends live. You might have to put up a good struggle with the soot-faced firemen to even get close to the smoke-choked heat. Once you plunge in, if you plunge in, you’ll be gasping to drink just a drop of air, but still you know there might be enough time rescue one friend, and then go back in for another.

Or maybe your friend decided to be a show-off and jump off the boat for a swim. You see a sharp fin creeping along, your friend spies it too, and he dashes back towards the boat. Except he begins to panic along the way – he starts wildly spiraling down. There might be enough time to dive in and bring him aboard, or at least hand him to the sailors before being carelessly torn into a mangled mess.

Would you?

Would you really hand over your life? If you saw a gang murder, would you tell, even if they might come back to haunt and kill you as well? If you became pregnant by someone you didn’t know, would you be strong enough to keep the baby? Would you give world to one person, if you could? Would you?

If we thought about our words, not as stories that will never happen, but as future facts, would we stay true? Do we know what we say when we say it? Because the truth is, we think we know what we'd do if we were ever in a bad situation, but how can we predict exactly what we’ll do? Imagining something happen and then actually have it happen are two different things.

But then, if I dig deeper, I know that if our friend’s really in immediate danger, we probably aren’t going to waste enough time to think about it, we’d probably be stupid enough to just rush in and save our friend. That’s what love does – it makes us forget about ourselves.

And all this time, I thought I was writing about valor . . .

{Hey! Sorry I haven't commented on your blogs much - some unexpected stuff has come up (which I'll probably post about later). Anyways, please feel free to comment - I love to hear your thoughts :) }



How could you not see?
How could you not hear?
My shattered heart’s beat
The drop of a tear

You gave up so much
But couldn’t see
What you made me miss:
Being free

You picked me up
So you could crush me down
You chained me with a lock
Underwater I couldn’t drown

You showed me the stars
Then told me I couldn’t have them
Because I’m the air inside jars
Stifled and grim

You told me I was stupid
But also not to cry
You told me I was just a little kid
But that I might get by

You taught me not to care
That maybe I wasn’t human
This was something I could bear
Because I couldn’t run

You didn’t care
But said you did
You weren’t aware
Of how I hid

But how could you not see?
But how could you not hear?
My shattered heart’s beat
The drop of a tear