Sometimes my Mom sounds a little too much like me. Yesterday she decided to get into this discussion about how a real person goes past what other people say, and goes ahead anyway. She says that’s the sign of a person who’s grown up – a person who’s complete.
However, last night my Mom told me I’m not capable. And when someone tells you something that, labels you like that, you kind of get this cold icy feeling gush over you – or at least I do. I think she noticed, as she quickly told me that I need to prove her wrong. I need to look past what she says - like a real person - and go ahead anyway. I shouldn’t let words stop me.
But I feel like, to not care about what she says, I have to believe that I’m on my own – that I am the only person who cares for me. That I’m a lone soldier fighting on my own, because the people who love me most seem to have left my side. However I don’t believe I’m alone – I believe that people are supposed to support each other – that maybe a lone soldier can fight a battle, but not a war, as an army could. But my parents are the people I most deeply love, so how can I fight against what they say? How can I not feel words from the people who are supposed to love and support me in every way that is good? How can I take someone out of my heart, if they occupy the whole of it?
Sometimes we believe what we want to believe, rather than the bare truth. I want to believe that I can go past what my parents say and not be negatively affected by it. I want to believe that what they say, or rather challenging what they say, makes me stronger – that it’s for my good & that they’re teaching me not to be reliant upon them.
But that’s not true.
Because what they say hurts, what they say cracks open my heart. I am affected by what they say, and it tears me apart. They are not supposed to be my challenge; they are supposed to help me get rid of my challenges. That’s my truth. They are wrenching me – twisting me – and how can you say that breaking something and gluing it back together makes the object stronger? How can you say going past what you feel makes you become a complete person?
For our feelings make us people, our reasoning makes us human. I am not a dog, not an ant, not a fish. I am human. I am not dead. I am alive. I am not ignorant. I feel with my heart, and think with my mind.